self | talk

self | talk

Let’s talk about self-talk. I read recently that positive self-talk comes naturally to most people. Yes, you read that right. Positive self-talk comes naturally to most people. Cue the ominous background music that plays rent-free in my mind 24/7 because I must be doing something else wrong. Let me be honest, I googled “self-talk” fully expecting the internet to not only be riding along on this bandwagon of critical deprecation but also swapping their own war stories. I thought I’d find a corner of women laughing about how mean we can be to ourselves, sharing the scary truth of the dialogue that plays in their heads, all of us aware that we’d never consider this a “healthy mindset,” but knowing full-well that it just cannot be helped, it comes naturally, and yes we are working on it but it is instinct!!

I found my perspective wasn’t easy to find. Once again, it seemed a big part of my everyday experience was shoved into pockets and hidden behind “how-to’s”. It didn’t seem to be a genuine discussion. So, needless to say I stopped reading that article as it was clearly written by a man and instead turned to long-time friend + collaborator Natalie for some honest conversation. Because self-talk happens, and more often than not, critical self-talk happens.

The real reason I wanted to start this blog with this subject? Well, you all. Everyday my clients, my friends, find themselves back here doing squats, kicks, planks + shimmies in front of a mirror. We all come back. And I am always hearing a familiar mumbling: I saw myself in the mirror and…, I said the dumbest thing.., I can be such an idiot…, I need to get my butt back to class because.. Even asking Natalie to be a part of the blog, her first response was Do people really want to hear from me.

I asked Natalie a really hard question: by the bluntest and most generalized standards shaped by societal opinions, how would you define yourself by what you see? How do you think the world sees you really? And when we actually take a second to break down the most critical way we view ourselves and come to terms with how others see us or DON’T see us…then what are we doing! Why are we adding to this critique and how do we work on bettering it?

Duke: First of all, it's difficult for me to believe that positive self-talk comes naturally to most people. Every single close friendship I have ever had - and most of those friendships (the good ones anyway) are with women - involve some version of one tearing themself down while the other tries desperately to build them back up.

Jess: Well that’s sad! I want to believe that we can be kind to ourselves…and that somewhere out there someone has mastered the art and is only building themselves up! 

Duke: Maybe those people do exist, but I bet it's more complicated. Like, maybe most people can speak positively to themselves...after they've been mean to themselves. And hey, that's something! I do remember a recent private training session (literally today's) where I actually called myself a dumb bitch out loud. I said it jokingly! But then I said something like, "I MEAN...I'm not a dumb bitch. I'm a perfectly pleasant person and fairly smart!" And it cancelled it out! Then I said, "oh hey! Maybe we should put that in the blog! And here I am, following through, very much NOT like a dumb bitch, thank you very much! 

Sidenote*

Jess: I met Natalie back when I was free-lance teaching at different dance studios in Chicago. I remember the first time I met her- I’m pretty sure her response to my welcome was, “Wow…” and a look of concern for my well-being. She was reserved but over time came out of her shell by revealing her dark humor. She tried to quit on me and leave the studio but I wouldn’t let her. 

Duke: Okay, that's partly true. I wouldn't say I was concerned for her well-being, but I was definitely thrown by Jess's energy. I know I can seem outgoing sometimes, but I am actually painfully introverted. Her energy was confusing to me. I don't think I had ever seen someone so genuinely excited about what they were doing. "Genuinely" being the key word here. I have taken plenty of other fitness classes where the instructor had a lot of energy and a constant smile, but it always felt forced. It's not forced with Jess. She really is that excited to be dancing and moving and sharing her passion with other people. So yes, as I have admitted to her more recently, I was definitely thrown by her intensity (and volume level) in the beginning, but in all honesty, I need that. I am a dry, black humor type of person on my best days and a pessimistic nihilist on my worst, so if anyone is going to get me excited to dance to three Dua Lipa songs in a row, they gotta truly pull me out of my doldrums. Jess does that. 

Also, I didn't WANT to quit on her. I started taking classes on a Groupon. Remember those?? That's how old I am long I have been dancing with Jess. The Groupon was a deal for 12 classes or something like that, and it ran out. So I went to Jess at the end of class and told her it was my last class and she GASPED and said very sternly, "No!" Not like, "oh no I don't want you to leave" but like, "No. Absolutely not. I will not accept this thing you are telling me." and I laughed and told her I didn't want it to be my last class but I couldn't afford the membership. So she got all conspiratorially quiet and said, "This is what you're gonna do..." and proceeded to explicitly lay out all the necessary steps I needed to take to get a discounted membership. It was not a suggestion. It was a command. So I listened to Mom and did what I was told, and I'm still here! So thanks for scolding me, Jess!

Jess: Ok, so: self-talk. Let’s get into it. In your everyday lived experience, how do you think the world sees you?

Duke: *Big breath and sigh* Yes, I actually just took a big breath and sighed. It's a tough question. Because, look: if I was answering the question for any other person, maybe I would say something different. But because I want to be brutally honest with you and all the other wear|haus babes...I think the first thing that people see when they meet me is a fat person. 

Jess: Why do you think the world views you as fat?

Duke: Unfortunately, we have all been conditioned to take in a person’s appearance first.  Logically, I know that there are so much more important things than the fact that I am in a bigger body. But when I think about how I am seen, I know that people see me as a fat person. I don't blame people for that. I blame the patriarchy, which I blame for pretty much everything.

Jess: But do you really, truly believe strangers and friends alike see you and only think ‘fat’?

Duke: Strangers? Yes. Some. Not all. I do think some people see beyond that, even if they have to force themselves to do so. If I see a person in a large body, I am taking in other aspects of them too. How they carry themselves, what they’re wearing, whether they’re smiling or laughing, and so on. Especially if that person is a woman, I also see that she’s gorgeous, because I think all women are beautiful. Period. If I actually get to know the person I am looking at, especially if they become a friend, all my thoughts about that person change. Their body size/shape/detail is so inconsequential to who they are. Unless they have cool tattoos. I will always have mad respect for sick ink. 

Jess: You know what? I do the same thing. My inner-voice or inner-critic is constantly trying to convince myself I am too much.  I often feel my effort is being judged as too much. Because of that stupid thought I think everyone thinks I’m too loud- which YES I AM LOUD, I KNOW….but it comes from love. And to that I will constantly shame myself. 

But to your point, When I notice a louder person – I take note. But I am not necessarily thinking: ‘wow she’s so loud, how embarrassing.’ I might actually admire their confidence. If I like what they have to say I will absolutely engage in conversation and then I will that my energy matches their energy. 

Sidenote*

In Barbie, all the barbies acknowledge each other by saying “hi Barbie.” Only they aren’t just saying hi. It's a reminder that Barbie can be anything. The phrase encapsulates all that she is. I want that for us. I want to always acknowledge someone and their worth. That sounds so inflated, but it's true. Because this self-deprecating dialogue continues on and grows louder the more we are not acknowledged for our worth. I wish that when we see a woman we recognize ourselves in we could all just say ‘hey barbie,’ and mean we see the confidence, the curves, the beauty, the energy that we are. 

 Jess: So alright. You can see others as more than just their physical appearance and I can appreciate another person's effort to be more than “trying too hard”… so what is holding us back from treating ourselves better? Why do we allow ourselves the negative talk?

Duke: Good question. I wish I could see my body in the mirror and say, “Hey you! Er, hey ME! I see your larger body. I also see your bouncy curly hair, your big Duke eyes, and your FABULOUS melons. I also see a body that WORKS. Sure, it’s gotten a bit achy with age, but this body took you to Europe last fall and also? You asked Jess to increase your weights during your private session the other day, so you are strong AF and just getting stronger. Yeah, your body did that! That’s amazeballs!” ...but that seems vain. So I don't do it because I don't want to be vain. It's not vanity though; it's confidence! But I am a woman so I am supposed to be demure or some crap. "Demure" - what a dumb, misogynistic word.

Jess: As a former dancer- I think negative self-talk was something I used to push me. If I pushed myself and critiqued myself I could work on the problems I needed to fix. (And if I say the mean things to myself first, it won’t hurt when I hear someone else say it). 

But if I’m honest, I don’t think these thoughts push me- I think they just continue to make me doubt myself. At worst, they hold me back from enjoying my experience by making me think I need to do more. 

That is a truly sad thought- to imagine we are missing out on full experiences because we are shaming ourselves for our appearance or effort or ability. Do you think you’ve missed out on anything? 

Duke: *Another big breath and sigh* Yes. And I hate that for me. When I was thinner, I had to constantly work to be thin, and that meant saying no to a lot of dinners out or fancy cocktails, but then when I got bigger, I literally wouldn't leave my house as much because I was ashamed that I had gained so much weight and I didn't want the world to have to look at me at all. Damn, I can't believe I just typed that. It is absolutely true and so freaking sad.

Jess: What have you done or what can you do to re-shape your negative self-talk? 

Duke: I think I can continue to try to neutralize the mean stuff by recognizing when I do it and trying to change the narrative. Tell myself something nice about myself after I berate myself internally. And I can do a better job of giving my body and brain what it needs. wear|haus is one of the single greatest things in my life that helps me get closer to that goal of loving the body I am in. And it’s not just because it’s where I work out. BOOOO! I mean sure, of course that’s part of it. Duh. But It’s so much more than that.

First of all, it is a judgement free zone. Come as you are! It says so over the door! Second, when I first started taking dance fitness classes (at many other places before w|h) I was always so concerned with getting the steps right and looking like an actual “dancer.” Now? I do not give a shit about that. At all. Sure, I wanna learn the steps. But if I’m in a crappy mood and need to half ass it: fine! At least I showed up! If I’m full of energy and kicking ass and taking names, I can yell out “YES! I KILLED THAT!” and Jess will just yell even louder that of course I did! Kelsey will agree as well, but she will do it more quietly. Why? Because they’re not just leading a class, they’re my honest-to-god real life friends. 

Jess: I can relate to that! I have to turn off my concern over ‘getting the steps right.’ When I can show up to class and just move- it makes me feel good. In those brief moments during class when I am fully in it- I can turn off my brain and not care what I look like or how I perceive myself. In fact, I vividly remember coming to terms with unhealthy and unrealistic body-standards by being able to tell myself: I feel good in this movement so just be here a second longer. 

Do you think that could be part of it? Allowing yourself to do something – like movement for example– that feels good, and just sitting with the feeling instead of the critical talk? 

Duke: Absolutely. For a thousand reasons. Movement helps your brain. It gives you all the happy chemicals that you don't have so many of when you're slumped on the couch thinking of all the things you didn't do right today. Accomplishing something good for yourself helps your confidence levels. And in the wear|haus classes, your body AND your brain are moving so much, there's much less space for the negative self-talk monsters to creep in.

Jess: A big personal reason for starting wear|haus was wildly selfish: I love being in a space where women feel safe to be strong. I find confidence when I see others confident and vibrant. I think a lot of us are finding new confidence or simply finding a bit more joy because of the environment. And the more I can surround myself with women that are trying and open and kind, the more I can quiet my own harmful self-talk. And I think this is a key takeaway. 

Do you find a community here that helps you?

Duke: YES. Not just Jess and Kels either; every haustler is my friend! If you’re reading this and we don’t know each other well, guess what?? We will be friends soon! Because the positive vibes and casual atmosphere (let’s not mistake the word casual for me saying the classes are easy because they are, in fact, very hard) set people at ease and we open up to each other. We support each other. We cheer each other on. Also, sometimes we drink together and that’s where we get all the hot goss. 

Jess: Man, we have been on a journey with this one!! How would you like to wrap this up for now, Duke? (because the conversation always lives on..)

Duke: Look. That annoying voice talking shit about you in your head? They’re a liar, okay? Is that hard to believe sometimes? Of course! I’m still trying to believe it myself! But they are such a huge liar liar that their pants are seriously on fire. Some days, it’s much easier to ignore those little liar liars. But on the days when it’s hard, and you believe those voices with the flaming pants, just imagine that I am saying, “Hey! Don’t talk about my friend that way!” …or imagine Jess yelling it because she’s much louder and higher pitched and maybe you’ll start being nicer to yourself just so she will stop yelling. 

Jess: Do you actually hear my voice in your head?

Duke:  Yes. It is squeakily but lovingly yelling, ”NATALIE DUKE! DUKE DUKE! DON'T TALK ABOUT MY FRIEND THAT WAY!” … tone it down inside voice Jess!

Jess: I have no idea what you are talking about.

Duke: Uh huh. Cute.